self destruct

cos this will never happen again..

He said he cared, but she didn't believe him.

but time progressed, and she saw he meant it, but she didn't want him to.

she's never been good at staying.

leaving as soon as something gets remotely uncomfortable, remotely difficult.

he watches her with sad eyes all the time,

wishing he understood,

he tells her not to keep it all in, not to self destruct,

but she has always been stubborn.

maybe a quality he liked in her?

maybe a quality he loathed.

but hes too nice to stand on the side lines and let her run away.

let her crawl back into herself,

but he has to learn when to let it go.

when to talk, and when to listen.

when to fight and when to give in.

when to worry, and when to let her fend for herself.

she's strong. always has been, by herself.

Even when she is struggling, she is almost unfaltering.

don't ever let her bring you down.

She's a fighter, so you don't have to be one.

She shelters you from her struggles, because you mean too much.

She believes in karma.

believes one day she will be rewarded for all the shit she's been put through.

for everything she's toughed out on her own.

You once told her she always looks sad.

she doesnt. but eyes are a window to the soul, and it is hard to hide.

if and when she ever lets you look into them.

why would she want you to see something so dark

when even she is afraid to look?

cos that means forgetting.
forgetting,
everything we had..

fight

Some things we don't talk about,
better do without,
just hold the smile..

you have to fight.
you have to fight for love..
for forgiveness, for courage.... strength.
you HAVE to FIGHT.
... don't you give up.
don't you believe that's it.
don't you think that's the end.
believe.
believe tomorrow will be better.
believe she wont hold things against you.
believe he'll stop being angry all the time,
believe he wont be sick anymore.
believe he wont get convicted,
believe he won't get hurt again,
believe you wont get hurt again.
believe they'll make the right choice,
believe she'll be nothing like him,
believe she'll finally be happy,
believe he won't hurt you,
believe everything will be fine.
because it will,
hopefully..
everything will sort itself out.

but you can never say never,
while we don't know when..
time, time, and time again,
younger now than we were before..

willing

yeah i'm running away,
i'm leaving this place,
yeah i'm running away,
i'm running away...

when do we reach the point the point where we have had enough?
when do we fall out of love with someone who currently means the world to us?
why do we fight and bicker over things that afterwards seem so pointless?
who decides?
who decides when something will happen?
why it will happen?
why can you be madly in love with someone one day, and not the next?
what changes?
is it actually that significant?
or do people jump to conclusions because its an unfamiliar feeling?
the worry, the doubt,
whether it be small probably is significant,
because its different,
its not the norm.
so maybe its the fear of the unknown that make people break up.
that make people split, or divorce, or decide to leave.
or... cheat.
but why?
if you remember what you had,
what you have,
why wouldn't you want to work it out?
why wouldn't you want to fight for it?
.. i would.
i'd fight to keep it alive, if it meant that much to me.
because it does,
and i love him,
and i'm not ready to give him up anytime soon,
because i'm happy.
happier now, than i have been, in an extremely long time.
and i am so grateful i met him.
so if it ever came to it,
i'd want him to know, i am willing to fight,
if he is.

lost and insecure,
you found me,
you found me..

fight like hell

The truth is,
I think life would work out much
better if it followed a script,
like a movie,
and you got to pick your ending,
but you dont.
You dont get to choose what happens to you.
And even if you do?
You dont get to choose the outcome.
Its all up in the air,
just like everything else.
and all you can do, is stand there
and watch where all the pieces fall,
and then fight like hell to pick them all up again.

pathetic

Running away from the fear,
was the best you could do,
you made this decision,

you chose our division..

And the simple, sad fact is,

i would rather have you in my life,

treating me the way you do,

then not have you in my life,

at all...

and that,

that,

makes me pathetic.

Congratulations,

now you are free,

you have earned your degree..

drowning.

nothing will come between us,

i wanna convince myself,

that we're perfect, in every way,

i wanna convince myself..

everything's fine when you smile. right?
everything is bright, and dandy, and lovely.
You don't need help,
and its lucky you don't,
because there's noone there to help you..
noone has the time anymore,
everyone has their own shit.
i wish the "you" in this scenario,
wasn't... me.
because i'd be there,
I'd listen,
im no martyr,
but i do care.. i wish any of you did.
but its hard to believe you do.. when its never shown.
i need you now.
like you've needed me so often and i've surfaced.
but im sinking.
and im drowning.
and your standing there letting it happen.
and after all i'm trying to deal with and understand at the moment,
THAT.. hurts the most..

But if i still believe, you love me,

then maybe i'll survive...

cos im fake at the seams,

i'm lost in my dreams,

and i want you to know,

that i, i can't let you go..

and you're never coming home again..

Nine months is such a long time.
so many things can happen,
so why, after so much time,
does it feel like it's still going.

i dont think i miss him, im not even sure i miss us.
i think i miss the idea.
of what we were once, what we could have been..
but never again.
he's still here, but he's not, ... here.
he's faded.
when we said goodbye, it was to love,
not to a relationship of any kind.
but here i am,
stuck in a memory,
of something that feels like it slips a little more every second.
i wanted us to be okay.
i wanted us to be able to look at each other from across the room at a party,
or a club, or anywhere,
and know we had something once,
but know all we have now is friendship and respect.
i.. needed.. that to be enough. to be easy.

but instead, its hard.,
its always hard to let go of first love.
to say goodbye, for good. lay it to rest.
its gone. but friendship was his idea.
.. yet he's the one that says its hard.
he's the one that feels uncomfortable,
that gets funny to see me at a party talking to others.

i want it to be okay.
but i'm at a loss.
i'm out of power, of strength to keep on trying.
one on one is fine,
we're fine..
so why is everything else so difficult?

maybe i do miss him.
but its his company i miss.
i miss just talking.
and i hate this.
because its something he has to deal with,
and i cant help.
and i'm so tired.
but i'm here.
i just have to wait until he notices.
i think its starting to get better,
time will tell.
so time is what i'm giving, once again..

I see you,

you see me,

differently...

you tell me that you love me,

but you never wanna see me again..