...and everything in between..

enough

2011-02-06T03:00:00.000-08:00

i feel like i'm going nowhere..
doing nothing.
no matter how hard i try to better myself,
to please my family, make them proud,
give them something to brag about..
it is never enough.
i dont think i will ever be... enough.
i try so hard. i work hard. i aim high.
i know what i want to do.. what i want to be..
there is no set outline on when you have to do it.
im the only one that understands that.
im the only one that realises this is MY life.
this is the way I want to do things, and the pace i want to do them.

im sad.
i am deeply sad.
sometimes i dont know whats wrong with me.
i cry and cry and cry and sometimes i have the reasons too..
but often i do not.
depression is something i am familiar with.
ive been through it before, struggled with it before..
overcome it before..
but now just like last time i feel like i am falling,
and no matter how much i flail my arms and reach for something to hold on to i cant.

i dont want to be home.
i dont want to be out.
i dont want to be anywhere, do anything.
there are times when i am happy,
but unfortunately they do not outweigh the times i am not.
its noones fault.
i dont even think its my fault.
i cant deal with things lately.
the slightest problem crops up and i find myself unable to cope with it.
unable.. or unwilling.

ill sleep on it, in my oversized jumper for comfort,
and hope that when i wake tomorrow,
it is a brand new day, and i am strong enough to deal with everything.
if not.
.. i might have to ask for help.

a new beginning...

2010-01-06T06:11:00.000-08:00

a new year
a new chance to forget about all the hurtful things that have happened in 2009.
its been a very long year.
a very hurtful year.
a very strength testing year.
but i've gotten through it.
how ironic that most of my blogs since i started have been about a specific boy.
and now, after all those things had been forgiven, after things were back on track, where hurtful words and actions were forgotten, he's gone.
how ironic that after so long of me fighting to forget every single thing about him, he passes away and now i'm left here trying my hardest to remember.
you never think that someone in your life, who you love, but at the same time, fight so hard not to hate, will just suddenly be gone.
with so many unspoken words. so many untold apologies. so many actions unexplained.
..
..
i'm sorry shaun.
for me to stand back and say everything that ever happened to us was my fault, is immature.
i participated,
and what's more?
i stayed when i should have left.
but now you've gone.
you've passed on and left everyone here wondering what the hell is going on.
its been six months.
its been six of the quickest, yet longest months of my life.
i don't even know what to say.
i want another conversation. i want another fight. i want another hug. i want another "it will be okay"
i want your strength back. the strength to be who i want to be, the encouragement to get there.
i need you.
why were you so stupid. why put us all through losing someone again.
i have many memories of you.
i think one day i'll be able to look back and smile, remembering every funny thing you said, every cute thing you did, all the plans we made.
i'm not sure if you've gone somewhere, somewhere better, happier than here.
easier.
if you have, i hope your helping us all.
helping us come to terms and helping us remember with happiness.
i'm sorry. but i'm so angry at you.
so so angry. and regretfully, if i ever saw you again, i'd probably punch you in the face as hard as i could before i hugged you and never let you go.
preventable.
the worst word in the english dictionary.
your death, so easily preventable.
and yet here i am, reflecting in a stupid blog about what we were to each other, and what we're not now.
i will always love you. you were my first love, and with life, i doubt my last, but you will forever be in my heart. no matter what.
just give me strength to remember with a smile ok?
do this one last thing for me, i know you would if you could.
so could you please try?
..
..
do you remember when i told you overpasses freak me out? that i was scared to walk over them incase they fell?
the first walk we ever went on you held my hand, told me to close my eyes and walked me over one.
you kept repeating over and over "i'm here. its okay"
and i've never felt so safe in my life.
thats what you were to me. safety.
or the time the clock counted down on new years. and it hit one.
and you turned to me with the biggest smile in the world on your face and said "happy new years jaan" and kissed me.
i hurt. its like someone has grabbed my heart in their fist and squeezed as hard as they could.
i never thought a pain like this existed.
..
..
we visited you in the cemetary the other day.
lit a candle.
wished you a merry christmas.
i'm sure you made it rain just to annoy us.
we didn't cry.
as i was standing there in my jumper with the hood over my eyes,
all i could think about was how much you would be laughing.
laughing at all the losers being sad standing around in silence when you would be partying, and laughing, and intentionally annoying me.
..
..
i'm glad you left when we were the way we were.
when we had rebuilt everything that we had lost for a little while.
that we were both happy in terms of how we were,
that things weren't awkward,
and that no fights were had, or no ignoring occured.
..
..
i forgive you shaun. the morning you died when you called me a couple of minutes before your accident, and you didn't get through.. i found out what you wanted to tell me.
you wanted to be honest.
you wanted to confess.
well, i know what it was you wanted to say.
and after a lot of anger, mixed with grief,
i forgive you.
..
i miss you.
will always and forever.
i love you,
more than i can ever express.
and i sincerely hope,
that in life,
there's something beyond and i'll see your smiling face again.
and you can tell me songs to download that i'll love,
and i'll tell you some, but you'll pretend to hate them just to annoy me.
love you forever.
be safe.
all my love always,
emily.
xxxxxxxxxxxx

self destruct

2009-05-26T06:16:00.000-07:00

cos this will never happen again..

He said he cared, but she didn't believe him.

but time progressed, and she saw he meant it, but she didn't want him to.

she's never been good at staying.

leaving as soon as something gets remotely uncomfortable, remotely difficult.

he watches her with sad eyes all the time,

wishing he understood,

he tells her not to keep it all in, not to self destruct,

but she has always been stubborn.

maybe a quality he liked in her?

maybe a quality he loathed.

but hes too nice to stand on the side lines and let her run away.

let her crawl back into herself,

but he has to learn when to let it go.

when to talk, and when to listen.

when to fight and when to give in.

when to worry, and when to let her fend for herself.

she's strong. always has been, by herself.

Even when she is struggling, she is almost unfaltering.

don't ever let her bring you down.

She's a fighter, so you don't have to be one.

She shelters you from her struggles, because you mean too much.

She believes in karma.

believes one day she will be rewarded for all the shit she's been put through.

for everything she's toughed out on her own.

You once told her she always looks sad.

she doesnt. but eyes are a window to the soul, and it is hard to hide.

if and when she ever lets you look into them.

why would she want you to see something so dark

when even she is afraid to look?

cos that means forgetting.
forgetting,
everything we had..

fight

2009-05-23T07:07:00.000-07:00

Some things we don't talk about,
better do without,
just hold the smile..

you have to fight.
you have to fight for love..
for forgiveness, for courage.... strength.
you HAVE to FIGHT.
... don't you give up.
don't you believe that's it.
don't you think that's the end.
believe.
believe tomorrow will be better.
believe she wont hold things against you.
believe he'll stop being angry all the time,
believe he wont be sick anymore.
believe he wont get convicted,
believe he won't get hurt again,
believe you wont get hurt again.
believe they'll make the right choice,
believe she'll be nothing like him,
believe she'll finally be happy,
believe he won't hurt you,
believe everything will be fine.
because it will,
hopefully..
everything will sort itself out.

but you can never say never,
while we don't know when..
time, time, and time again,
younger now than we were before..

willing

2009-04-18T02:28:00.000-07:00

yeah i'm running away,
i'm leaving this place,
yeah i'm running away,
i'm running away...

when do we reach the point the point where we have had enough?
when do we fall out of love with someone who currently means the world to us?
why do we fight and bicker over things that afterwards seem so pointless?
who decides?
who decides when something will happen?
why it will happen?
why can you be madly in love with someone one day, and not the next?
what changes?
is it actually that significant?
or do people jump to conclusions because its an unfamiliar feeling?
the worry, the doubt,
whether it be small probably is significant,
because its different,
its not the norm.
so maybe its the fear of the unknown that make people break up.
that make people split, or divorce, or decide to leave.
or... cheat.
but why?
if you remember what you had,
what you have,
why wouldn't you want to work it out?
why wouldn't you want to fight for it?
.. i would.
i'd fight to keep it alive, if it meant that much to me.
because it does,
and i love him,
and i'm not ready to give him up anytime soon,
because i'm happy.
happier now, than i have been, in an extremely long time.
and i am so grateful i met him.
so if it ever came to it,
i'd want him to know, i am willing to fight,
if he is.

lost and insecure,
you found me,
you found me..

fight like hell

2009-02-26T05:27:00.000-08:00

The truth is,
I think life would work out much
better if it followed a script,
like a movie,
and you got to pick your ending,
but you dont.
You dont get to choose what happens to you.
And even if you do?
You dont get to choose the outcome.
Its all up in the air,
just like everything else.
and all you can do, is stand there
and watch where all the pieces fall,
and then fight like hell to pick them all up again.

pathetic

2008-10-21T05:06:00.000-07:00

Running away from the fear,
was the best you could do,
you made this decision,

you chose our division..

And the simple, sad fact is,

i would rather have you in my life,

treating me the way you do,

then not have you in my life,

at all...

and that,

that,

makes me pathetic.

Congratulations,

now you are free,

you have earned your degree..

drowning.

2008-09-08T08:10:00.000-07:00

nothing will come between us,

i wanna convince myself,

that we're perfect, in every way,

i wanna convince myself..

everything's fine when you smile. right?
everything is bright, and dandy, and lovely.
You don't need help,
and its lucky you don't,
because there's noone there to help you..
noone has the time anymore,
everyone has their own shit.
i wish the "you" in this scenario,
wasn't... me.
because i'd be there,
I'd listen,
im no martyr,
but i do care.. i wish any of you did.
but its hard to believe you do.. when its never shown.
i need you now.
like you've needed me so often and i've surfaced.
but im sinking.
and im drowning.
and your standing there letting it happen.
and after all i'm trying to deal with and understand at the moment,
THAT.. hurts the most..

But if i still believe, you love me,

then maybe i'll survive...

2008-09-06T05:45:00.000-07:00

cos im fake at the seams,

i'm lost in my dreams,

and i want you to know,

that i, i can't let you go..

and you're never coming home again..

Nine months is such a long time.
so many things can happen,
so why, after so much time,
does it feel like it's still going.

i dont think i miss him, im not even sure i miss us.
i think i miss the idea.
of what we were once, what we could have been..
but never again.
he's still here, but he's not, ... here.
he's faded.
when we said goodbye, it was to love,
not to a relationship of any kind.
but here i am,
stuck in a memory,
of something that feels like it slips a little more every second.
i wanted us to be okay.
i wanted us to be able to look at each other from across the room at a party,
or a club, or anywhere,
and know we had something once,
but know all we have now is friendship and respect.
i.. needed.. that to be enough. to be easy.

but instead, its hard.,
its always hard to let go of first love.
to say goodbye, for good. lay it to rest.
its gone. but friendship was his idea.
.. yet he's the one that says its hard.
he's the one that feels uncomfortable,
that gets funny to see me at a party talking to others.

i want it to be okay.
but i'm at a loss.
i'm out of power, of strength to keep on trying.
one on one is fine,
we're fine..
so why is everything else so difficult?

maybe i do miss him.
but its his company i miss.
i miss just talking.
and i hate this.
because its something he has to deal with,
and i cant help.
and i'm so tired.
but i'm here.
i just have to wait until he notices.
i think its starting to get better,
time will tell.
so time is what i'm giving, once again..

I see you,

you see me,

differently...

you tell me that you love me,

but you never wanna see me again..

shattered

2008-08-08T05:37:00.000-07:00

i don't know what it is.

its like you've shattered the vision i used to have of you.

i can't get it back.

i can't look at you the same.

For that, I'm sorry.

but your actions brought that upon yourself..

doesn't know..

2008-08-03T07:37:00.000-07:00

When you try your best,
but you don't succeed,
when you get what you want,
but not what you need,
when you feel so tired,
but you can't sleep,
stuck in reverse....

i guess you know someone for a particular amount of time you just begin to assume.

assume they know what your feeling, thinking.

assume they'll know when you need help, and when you don't.

when you want to be made a fuss over, and when you don't want to be.

assume they'll know how much they mean to you.

assume they'll know how much you love them.

but they don't.

a step at a time. you'll begin to realise, they don't.

noone will ever know any of these things unless you tell them.

they'll know sometimes, but they cant do anything about it unless you acknowledge you need help. acknowledge how much they mean to you.

im not good at that.

i guess i never have been. in relation to matters of the heart.

im scared one day they'll ask if i love them.

and i wont be able to tell them how much.

they know, i just cant tell them.

its not me. its uncomfortable. and i don't know.

its kind of tragic, that im like that.

that they dont know.

but they should right?

cos i do.

i love her.

i love her very much.

and im sorry i didnt make a fuss for her birthday.

but things are weighing me down at the moment and thinking all the time about whether other people are going to get better is tiring.

i did care. i do care.

she just doesnt know.

but i cant tell her.

because its not me..

........

and the tears come streaming down your face,

when you lose something you cant replace,

when you love someone but it goes to waste,

could it be worse?

just, breathe..

2008-06-30T03:52:00.000-07:00

complete and total adoration,
my gift to you, my heart was yours.

You were a priority.

was i an option?

Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember, cos thats all you can do.
We'll never make another memory.
We'll never make another memory.

It seems so simple.

It happens everyday.

A smile can set off a lifetime.

A mistake can break it apart.

How do you know what they want?

what YOU want? what you need?

You fight it for so long, but how do you know its the wrong thing?

.. but how can you ever know its the right thing.

so many people go through it.

the cheating.

the lies.

the breaking of hearts.

but so many people have unfaltering faith, that things will be better next time.

so why dont i?

i haven't given up have i?

so many times i've explained its not giving up, its realising.

but is it really?

am i trying to convince myself otherwise for something shitty that i went through in the past?

i thought i was wise, maybe i'm just weak.

its so so rare to find someone that understands you endlessly.

argh im tired. i dont need it. im not even sure i want it.

theyre so happy though.

she's so happy.

i want that.

but im not sure if its the relationship i want,

or just that feeling of happiness knowing someone is there.

im tired of thinking about it. of people asking about it.

im tired of being alone.

but im not scared of being alone.

im scared of a rerun of the past.

maybe im not scared, just wary.

over compensating by protecting myself to the point of exhaustion.

or maybe, i'm just not strong enough to let it happen again.

Cos you can't jump the track,

we're like cars on a cable,

and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,

noone can find the rewind button girl,

so cradle your head in your hands,

and breathe..

just, breathe...

forever?

2008-06-13T09:03:00.000-07:00

Go find someone else,

i'm letting you go, i'm loving myself,

you gotta problem, but dont come asking me for help,

cos you know, it's just.. too little, too late.

We always think we have enough time.

Always have enough time, to reach our goals,

So we aim high because we seem to have forever.

Always enough time to tell the people closest to us what they mean.

Always enough time to apologise after a fight where regretful words were said.

Always enough time to be found out lying or deceiving, and to make up for the wrongs we've put on people.

Always enough time to change our minds.

Always enough time to tell the truth.

Always enough time to fall in love,

Always enough time to tell that person,

Always enough time to recover from a broken heart.

But what if our perception of always, was so wrong.

What if we dont have enough time?

We could search forever for something that we can never obtain.

But we fight, and we fight hard,

Noone wants to believe that tomorrow could be the "forever".

Noone wants to believe in a fight words said in the moment, could damage a friendship or relationship forever.

There's always a moment.

There is always, always a moment where someone stops, and looks at themselves, and realises something is not working.

A moment, when you look at the one you were in love with yesterday, and realise you are not in love with them today.

A moment when you look a family member in the eye, know you love them whole-heartedly, but are too afraid to say.

There's always a moment, they crush you, and you think you don't ever want to see them again.

There's always a moment, of bitter, bitter disappointment.

A moment where you realise you want to do something better with your life, with yourself, but are too scared to, and dont know where to start.

Thousands and Thousands of moments, that shape the memories that are, your life.

I wish we had more time to say goodbye.

I wish i had more time to ask the questions about us that i never thought of in the moment.

I wish i had thought of relying on you, instead of just myself.

I wish i trusted her,

I wish i trusted him,

and i wish i trusted them.

I wish I could help her,

I wish i could repair him,

I wish he didn't have to fight,

I wish she didn't have to watch him suffer.

I wish they knew he doesn't mean what he says when he's angry.

I wish love wasn't so difficult,

... to fall into, and out of.

I wish i could forget you,

I wish i wanted to.

I wish she wasn't so controlling and involved.

I wish he was happy by himself.

I wish my extended family, are, a family.

I wish when they said "i promise", they didn't break it.

I wish when he said "i'll never break your heart", i didn't believe him.

I wish i'd written to them years earlier, so they didn't miss seven years.

I wish she didn't hate me, just because i was the next girl born to her father.

I wish i wasn't so scared of their disappointment.

I wish i don't make the same mistakes she did.

I wish they knew who they were,

I wish she didn't still care about him.

I wish i got out of that damaging friendship before it got too deep.

I wish people knew when i was struggling.

Time is so fleeting.

Live's are so fleeting.

Most Friendships wont last forever.

Though everyone wants them too.

So how do we know when its the right time to say something,

or to keep it to ourselves,

because after all, we have, forever?

..But oh, now,

my world is at your feet,

I was lost, but now i'm found,

but i was alive,

and now i've drowned....

i am...

2008-06-01T07:56:00.000-07:00

i am "cute", but never beautiful.

i am forgiving, to the point of exhaustion.

i am understanding, and will try to put myself in your place.

i am polite, and will be - even if you are rude.

i am frustrated, when something planned doesn't pan out.

i am angry, when i am sick, or hurt, or on more medication.

i am sad, when family is sick, friends are upset, problems mount.

i am tired, of keeping problems to myself.

i am stubborn, ...annoyingly stubborn.

i am worried, about family members and whether they will get better.

i am happy, when i am around friends and family, singing, writing, being me.

i am scared, of being left alone.

i am aching, as im missing ones ive lost.

i am terrified, of not measuring up to their expectations.

i am nice, and will never turn anyone away.

i am compassionate, and will care even when you think other's wont.

i am lacking, self confidence.

i am speechless, when those around me ask for advice.

i am strong, stronger than you may think.

but i am me.

i don't know what i want to be,

but i know what i am, now.

i want to be better.

i like some aspects,

i hate other's.

but i also hate change.

so all i can do is sit here, thinking,

evaluating myself,

but not knowing what to do with the conclusion.

your allowed to make mistakes,

its a part of every life,

i don't see you any different,

the truth is shining in your eyes.

I will always be your friend,

i know who you are inside,

i am with you till the end,

never far behind

i am standing in the distance,

you can take your time,

and i will be here waiting,

never far behind.

your reality.

2008-05-17T00:47:00.000-07:00

You'll always have that one day,

that one moment in your life,

where you wake up and realise your life didn't meet your expectations.

Its not the life you wished to lead,

or conjure,

or live,

but you do.

You live it,

and it doesn't matter if you hate it,

this is your reality.

So smile when you're expected to,

though behind those gritted teeth and hazy eyes lies a girl torn between lies and truth,

life or death,

wrong or right.

To live will be to succumb to them.

To the powers so daunting they seem to swallow everything pure,

everything real.

But all that is good in you,

is good..

despite them.

Despite the haters,

and the liars,

the backstabbers,

and the callous.

The faceless fiends whom so cruelly thrive on your poor existance.

No.

Your a fighter,

a warrior,

a soldier.

Overcoming against the biggest odds.

They can crush your spirit, but never your soul.

I just hope one day you'll smile because you want to.

I hope you smile because you know you are worth everything.

and everything else?

means nothing.

learning from mistakes

2008-05-03T00:55:00.000-07:00

Im so confused.

Mistakes are made so often..

it sucks, but they do. and are made by everyone no matter how careful we are.

i Remember when i was younger, and i would say to almost everything that happened " i wish i had a time machine to change what happened". i feel so silly to be wishing such things now. to wish for the reversal of time to rectify a falty decision.

i hate being in a position i'm unfamiliar with.

to be so unexperienced in an area leading to so many wrong decisions.

i hate being in a position where i make a mistake, and there's no way to reverse it.

i hate being in a position where im toying with feelings not intentionally, but there is no possible way to get out of the situation.

.. but i PUT myself there.

i caused it myself.

its hard to say i want to reverse time, when so often myself and others are learning from our mistakes.

but i dont think this is a mistake i want to learn from. or live through. or rectify.

i want to just shut my eyes, forget anything happened.

forget i did anything.

it would be awesome to just not see anyone involved for ages..

but it wont happen.

wishes are just that.. wishes.. generally they dont come true.

and i just want to escape.. to forget. to rewind back to the point where i wasnt in too deep to save myself.

but i think its too late to save myself in this situation.

and someone is going to get hurt.

... i always get hurt.. and i dont want that to happen to someone else.. but it will

and i feel like a bitch.. but theres nothing i can do to escape..

im so torn inside. my stomach lurches and has been lurching all day.

which is crap, because at the time it seemed so perfect.

so natural.

so incredibly awesome.

but then it feels like i slept, i swallowed it, and now it wont stay down anymore.

and i hate that. i hate hating myself but i do at this point.

and there is nothing i can do but face up to my own reality.

face up to what im truly feeling. to what i truly want to do.

grow some guts emily.

suck it up.

and quit your winging.

meaning.

2008-04-28T21:20:00.000-07:00

so i've been thinking,

...words have so many meanings.

most things if said singularly dont explain what you mean.

"i like you"

kinda? a lot? as a friend?

"i love you"

as a friend? with all my heart?

it seems so stupid.

it seems so silly to say one thing, and someones perception is not that of what you wanted, or what you meant..

i hate saying things, and them being misconstrued,

or second guessed,

or someone skims the surface and doesnt realise what i really mean.

granted, most of the time i do say things that i dont actually know what i mean myself..

but thats just how i work.

but words have so much more depth than we can imagine..

so much more meaning than we realise..

things are said in jest and without thought so often,

and consequences aren't thought of in relation to how it will be taken.

everyone is different, as im sure everyone is aware,

but consequences with certain words or phrases differ between everyone.

So many people say something in the spur of the moment,

and when asked to elaborate say "dont worry" or "nothing"

i hate that.

i hate having to find meaning in a phrase or word by myself with no guidance from who it was said by.

anything can lead onto everything.

and everything can lead onto nothing.

and i hate that,

because it can only lead to confusion without explanation.

this doesnt even make sense.

but whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

the ones

2008-01-30T04:29:00.000-08:00

You'll always have people that hate you,

whether it be for a reason, or by choice,

you'll have the ones that wil be there for you no matter what,

the ones that you think will, and aren't,

the ones that make up rumours just to hurt you,

the surprising ones that can cheer you up when you never thought they could,

the ones that you dont want in your life anymore because they're not worth the hurt and nasty words,

the ones you will always forgive and care about,

no matter how many million times they hurt you,

the ones you know you could call

to pick you up at three in the morning if your scared and can't get home,

the ones you think dont love you anymore, but they do with their whole heart,

the few you can trust and tell things to, knowing it will never get out,

and you will ALWAYS have the ones that WILL be in your life forever,

because you promised one night,

and meant it with everything that you are..

past hurts

2007-12-05T03:37:00.000-08:00

i loved you with the fire red,
now its turning blue..

Well another year is almost over.
it seems weird to look back at everything i have gained, and regrettably lost this year.
i gained new friends,
whom i love and trust,
ive realised who my actual friends are and who would stick by me in my worst and hardest times.
it seems silly at this cheery time of year to be so down,
but its hard to smile when you lose something you so whole heartedly want to keep a hold of.
i will miss shaun, but with everything in life you need to know when it is time to let go.
it feels so weird, that i now have an ex.
that i have lost my first love.
its so surreal, and im not sure its totally hit me.
after two and a half years its hard to know what it means to be single.
and what it means to go to sleep at night without a goodnight or an i love you.
i know times are low for me at the moment,
especially with my bday in two weeks and christmas and everything,
but i know i am strong. i know i will get through this.
it hurts, im not going to lie and say i havent cried myself to sleep,
or felt sick in my stomach knowing he has the right to kiss another girl or do as he pleases,
but i AM strong.
i will overcome this.
i am me, i am proud of myself for not completely breaking down to a stage where i wont be able to pick myself up again.
i know two of my closest friends who i rely on are leaving soon for indonesia,
it seems like i will be so alone and times are so testing,
but soon the holidays will be over,
wounds will hopefully almost be healed,
and i will learn to smile with as much enthusiasm as i have in the past.
i love shaun,
it will be hard teaching myself to stop.
its hard not to be upset over last words, and past hurts,
and the way things ended,
but i will probably love and care for him always,
even if he doesn't me..

promise you'll stay with me,
cos you are my, night sky,
you know you're all that i live for..

like nothing

2007-10-30T20:37:00.000-07:00

Its funny when you think about it.
the things you used to think and say when you were younger.
The amount of "i hate you's" you could scream,
and not feel the least bit guilty.
,
I dont have the heart to say i hate anyone anymore.
i havent for a long time.
it angers me to think, people can announce they "hate" someone,
so easily, like it just flows,
and show or have no remorse.
,
I'm tired of all the fighting.
im tired of all the constant drama,
that is so stupid,
so unnecessary,
and is weighing on my shoulders.
,
i try to be there,
its difficult to here bitching when you dont agree,
its hard to be on one side, when there may be truth in the other.
i dont like sides.
but it seems so often lately,
that i seem to be taking them more often.
and without remorse.
because i am tired of all the shit.
all the shit that keeps cropping up,
and smacking me hard in the face.
,
im tired of the last two weeks.
of the feeling down about constant things that never seem to stop.
i dont like seeing my friends unhappy.
i dont like seeing me unhappy.
but it seems to occur so often.,
and i dont know what to do.
,
and im tired of thinking how to fix it.
because im not sure i can.
,
i dont hate anyone.
but i wish the people that dont like others,
would just leave them alone.
,
noone ever deserves to be treated like nothing.

thank you.

2007-10-14T00:02:00.000-07:00

a "family" party isnt a family party,
if you invite friends.
and now because of you,
my heart is hurting.
thank you,
for making me feel unwanted.

nothing to blog about

2007-09-26T20:19:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since my last post.
there has been a lot going on.
i have been so busy and run down at work with footy finals and that sort of thing,
that i just dont have the energy to go out or do much lately.
Plus my blood pressure is playing up, so i have felt like crap for a while.
i have a lot of family stuff going on too, and my pops sick,
so anyway, thats my reason.
i dont really have anything to blog about.
but i feel so guilty for blogging lately.
these holidays have been pretty crappy, because i havent really done,
or seen anyone.
but i guess thats what end of year holidays are for.
i did sign up for a gym though.
and tonight im going to a random dance class,
so it should be fun,
and i hope it is,
as i have to teach monash the dance moves.
well, ill blog later to say how it goes.
byyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

my head

2007-08-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

i feel like my head is full of all these thoughts that i cant tame.

and so im stuck, sitting here, with a torrent of thoughts, and problems in my head.
i wish i was sane for thirty minutes of everyday,
That i could wrap my head around the prospect that my life,
actually,
is pretty good at the moment.
I just cant stop thinking.
I wish i could.
i wish i could just push thoughts of uni, family, sickness, friends, boyfriend, and others out of my head, and concentrate on who i am and who i want to be.
but i cant.
and im not sure why.
i seem to focus so much on these and that is the reason it brings me down.
Most of the time it is unnecessary to feel and think these things, but i do.
and i have lost countless hours of sleep over it.
i just with the tornado in my head would stop.
even for thirty minutes.
im not sad.
Im worried about things, and others, and everything around me.
and im not even sure there is a need to be at the moment.
tornado.. go.. away.
..and everything in between
xx

realising..

2007-08-17T00:26:00.000-07:00

i just dont know,
if his heart is in it,
anymore.

only somedays

2007-08-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

somedays,
for no reason in particular,
i just want to fly away
and leave it all behind.
and then,
when im older,
ill be able to look back,
and say i miss it.

fitting

2007-08-13T03:57:00.000-07:00

I do not like people that take others for granted.
i find it amazing, that all through year twelve the group i "hung" with or thought i got along with really well, now, after school doesnt seem so great.
it saddens me to say that i KNOW there are "friends" of mine, that wouldnt help another friend including me out if i was sick at a party, or doesnt particularly care if their actions hurt others.
i KNOW there are "friends" of mine, that would agree to come out, and then at the last minute change their mind, and make up an excuse nowhere near to the truth.
it saddens me, once again to reveal, that i used to think we were great.
i used to fit in, completely, and perfectly,
but now im not so sure.
i dont feel i fit that well with most people i used to fit in with.
maybe its due to maturing in different directions or whatever,
but it makes me sad knowing the people i used to care about, and thought were terrific, are showing their true colours, and letting me down with the results.
i dont know where i fit anymore.

second guessing

2007-08-07T20:56:00.000-07:00

Not many people understand me. i dont think its even because i am so incredibly profound and difficult, its generally because i actually am so simple to figure out, people second guess me. i have been second guessed all my life. I am second guessed with the relationships i have with people, my personality, my happiness, generally everything about me, seems fake to people. im not sure why that is. i am not a fan of people that arent themselves and lie to "cover up" who they truly are.. yet so often, time after time, i am seen as one of them. because i am too nice. or too happy. or too forgiving. etc etc. my relationships with people are also always second guessed. I dont try to be, but generally, i have more friends that are boys than girls. its not my fault, and its no one elses, but i am. and thats it. thats how it is. i seem to be able to talk better with them as 1) generally, they dont bitch as much as girls. 2) if they have a problem, they will tell you, and not go behind your back 24/7 and 3) i have always been a tom boy and got along better with them. Due to this, if i am close to a boy, it is difficult to understand for other people. Generally the concept of "you cant just be friends with a member of the opposite sex" arises, and i am seen as "wanting them" or they are seen as "wanting me". 9 times out of 10 this is not the case. This frustrates me. It frustrates me that i cannot be friends with a boy without people thinking i want to jump into his pants. i am not like that at all, and if people DID understand this, and me, and who i am and what i think, and feel.. they would know this too. But people do not give me the chance. they assume my traits and qualities of my personality are put on, and jump to conclusions. I dont like feeling censored around people, and afraid to be myself based on how they will view me. i dont like holding back who i am, what i do, just because some people dont understand, or rather, dont want to. i am me. i will always be me. and there is nothing i can do to change it.
i will not apologise for who i am.

laughing

2007-08-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday wasnt such a good day.
It wasn't a bad day in the sense that anything in particular happened.
But i had one of those days. where all i could do was think bad thoughts.
it annoyed me that i couldnt stop this.
But surprisingly,
i completely snapped out of it when i was on msn.
Maybe it was the distraction,
or the person i was talking to, i dont know.
but suddenly i just seemed much better,
and felt stupid i had been doing that for so long.
i was very amused after that.
Monash told me about Demitri Martin.
so i sat on youtube for a good two hours watching videos of him.
and i can honestly say.. i have never laughed that much.
Actually no, i cant honestly say that, because i laugh all the time.
but it was funny. i laughed. Laughing is good.
Laughing is favourite.
laugh laugh laugh.
.. and everything in between
xx
p.s pointless blog? yes.
p.p.s you read it anyway? perhaps.
p.p.p.s thank you for reading, .... ladies ;)

one year today

2007-08-02T23:54:00.000-07:00

One year has gone so quickly,

since the day you sadly passed,

the memories of you,

i know will always last.

i miss you everyday,

as does my mum and family too,

Please just Rest In Peace,

and remember,

i'll never stop loving you.

nettaz

2007-07-31T03:52:00.000-07:00

okay, so for those who dont know, last season in netball we were in A grade.
for some ridiculous reason.
because im in a team with my closest friends, clearly we dont do ANYTHING towards nettas at all.
so we had never played together or anything. and we even have basketballers on our team instead of netballers.
so ANYWAY, we were wrongly graded,
and lost miserably every single week.
HOWEVER, this season we are in B grade and tonight we won our first game 15-19.
and i played the best game i had ever played.
im sure you dont think this is exciting, but i have never been this excited.
after going through an entire season not even aiming to win, just aiming not to lose by twenty took a toll on our confidence and the team was miserable.
but this is uplifting,
and exciting,
and awesome.

ALSO: from previous post fish and chips incident..
i have found my bouncy ball.
YES
best, game, ever,
.. and everything in between
xx

how embarrassing..

2007-07-29T04:22:00.000-07:00

my biggest dumb moment ever:

...

Megan, Becca and i are sitting at a cafe at uni.

we have finished lunch and are finishing our drinks.

.....

Me: hey, do you like, think you could live off ice cubes?

...

Becca and Megan look at each other.

...

Megan: umm no? they are made out of water.

...

many laughs take place.

...

giant pause..

...

Me: yeah, but like, what if you swallowed them whole?

...

idiot, idiot, head

.. and everything in between

another 25

2007-07-28T01:13:00.000-07:00

So, tonight it is one of my closest mates birthday's.

we are going out dancing, which is one of my favourite things to do.

so, it has inspired me to write a blog about my 25 favourite things.

Only, it will be difficult, because i have so many more. so maybe it could be a series?

and every so often i will post 25 more. i dont know.

but at the moment,

here are 25 of some of my favourite things:

...

1) Dancing.. anywhere- and not caring if people are looking.

2) Singing in the shower, or under my breath, or any time at all.

3) Smiling and laughing- a sign im happy.

4) Someone taking my advice, and them being better for it.

5) Friends or loved ones coming to me with problems, because then i know they trust me, and that they know i will do everything in my power to help.

6) Being in love, and being loved in return.

7) Chicken fingers.

8) Hanging with my friends and just mucking around.

9) Making new friends.

10) Experiencing new things i've always wanted to.

11) When someone says they love me, and mean it.

12) Cuddles

13) Personal jokes with people, that others will never understand even if explained.

14) nicknames

15) meaningful words, told at perfect moments.

16) handwritten letters

17) netball, and my netball team.. even though we lose.

18) writing, anything. letters. lyrics. poems. stories. anything.

19) reading books. because its time out for me to escape.

20) being in rosebud.. the smell of the beach. the friends. swimming. the sand between my toes.

21) when someone tells me im worth it, and mean it.

22) seeing a loved one or friend succeed in something they have been trying to achieve since forever.

23) bumming in general, and watching movies all day in my pajamas.

24) my tracksuit pants.

25) people taking time out to actually care about, and read my blogs.

le fin.

i will do another 25 in a few weeks i believe.

that is all.

JONO AND KELLY: happy birthday.

jono, i hope your party was/is awesome.

im sorry i couldnt come, i would have loved to.

favourite, things, ever

.. and everything in between

home

2007-07-24T04:21:00.000-07:00

i get very frustrated sometimes.
despite popular belief, it is not too often.
i like to see myself as an easy going person.
but sometimes things, even if small, mount up and get me in a bad mood.
Home is meant to be a haven, a refuge even.
yet most of the time the central point in all my frustration relates back to my home life.
There are so many aspects of my family that i love.
but there are so many attributes in my family members that frustrate me.
my mother is not the most patient woman. She is almost always yelling and i am always trying to stay out of her way. she twists almost every word i say to make me feel as if every disagreement is my fault, and cannot have a calm conversation to save her life.
my father being older than my mother treats her like a child, as well as everyone else. he is very one sided, and has seperate rules for himself, but particular rules for everyone else.
both my parents are stubborn and sometimes plain mean.
they say things, but generally when mum realises what she said actually did hurt me or affect me, she apologises afterwards, but this is not very often.
having an older brother that has made many many mistakes, sometimes i feel as if i am the punching bag that my parents release all their frustrations on.

i struggle with this blog, because so often i struggle with what i should or should not tell the people who are reading. how personal i should get, what i should share. but it has come to the point where this is so central to who i am, and why i am sometimes angry or upset, that i feel it only fair to divulge it.
dont get me wrong.
i dont hate my family at all, i dont hate anyone for that matter.
there are just some days i dread coming home because i know i will come home to anger, and screaming, or swearing, or slamming of doors.
the good thing about my family is once there is a disagreement, there is only a short calming period needed. in my family it is very easy to get over things. we can have the biggest argument and one hour later, once we have calmed down, we are absolutely fine again.
this aspect of our family astounds people. not many people can understand the way our family dynamics work.
i think this is where i get my problem of not being able to hold grudges against those that deserve it.
but i like it this way.
i like not holding anything against anyone.
however i do believe in second chances, not third.
there is only so much i will let someone hurt me.
home is not my haven or refuge at the moment.
but one day when i am older i will look back on these days,
and think they were not actually as bad as them seem now.
refuge, haven, home
.. and everything in between

first..

2007-07-22T05:51:00.000-07:00

Tonight i attended DCC for the first time.
i was very nervous and a little apprehensive, but felt a little better that i already knew a few people there.
I was pleasantly surprised at the friendly and relaxed atmosphere that i was accepted into.
I felt comfortable almost immediately, and thoroughly enjoyed the worship songs.
i sung along even, once i had worked out the melody, and tried my hardest to sing louder than monash, but unfortunately, was not able to.
he has lungs like... i dont know.. just really big ones.
I was also surprised that the sermon was not as boring as i thought it would be. also, (not to be seen as being one of those that just completely accepts stereotypes) but i was glad that the people i conversed with and heard speak weren't the kind of people who thought "i am right. believe this or you are nothing". They did not force, or put pressure on you, and i actually really liked it.
i liked the way they read a passage from the bible, and explained and related it to other things. this made it easier to understand and relate to. I also REALLY liked the part when we went up to have bread and grape juice, and were given time to just be by ourselves and think about things. i had quiet time to think, and in an atmosphere like i was in, i actually did feel peaceful.
I could probably write forever, because i had a good time tonight.
so all in all, my first church experience.. EVER..
went REALLY well.
yayayayayayayayay
.. and everything in between
xx

we are

2007-07-16T06:27:00.000-07:00

As each day passes, we take the journey through our "lives" hating what we have, yet when we get what we "desire" it is no longer important..
Everyone and everything is taken for granted.
Friendships end, and are forgotten.
Lovers break up, and move on.
People die, we cry and mourn, but the days still pass.
We fight, and regret the words.
We laugh and wish it would last forever.
We cry and hope tomorrow will be just that bit brighter.
We kiss, hug, and savour the memories.
We bask in moments of glory..and hang our heads in shame.
We steal, cheat, lie and deceive and hate ourselves for it.
We hurt, but we mend.
We get tired, but we rest.
We look to the sky for help.
We question ourselves and others.
We pray for strength in times of hardship.
We yell and scream.. and beg for forgiveness.
We squeal with laughter..and sob with tears.
We learn to love and trust.
We get our hearts broken.
We learn to forgive.
We help those that we think need it.
We sympathise.
We empathise.
We agree.
We argue.
We miss loved ones.
We do things that others dont want us to.
We scare others.
We worry.
We carry the burdens of others.
We say things we regret.

but we are. we are REAL.

fish and chip incident

2007-07-16T05:11:00.000-07:00

so i went away on thursday until Sunday to ocean grove with a few friends.

i had the BEST time.

i love going away.. it makes me feel free and spacious and gives me time to think and just be generally happy and have fun with my friends who i LOVE.

going away is one of my favourites.

ANYWAY, funny thing happened,

im not even sure this is funny to ANYONE but me and the girls.

becca, one of my close mates described it.. and seeming i am lazy and cant be bothered explaining it over again this is what she wrote, and how she described the incident:

OMGGG LMAOOOOOO

ok so we are in ocean grove right.,. and we girls (me, megan, emily, lisa) went to the fish and chip shop for lunch.. anyway we ordered our food then went to look at the surf shops..

when we got back we realised there was a bouncy ball machine thing.. so we all put in $2 and got one!

then emily started whinging and shes like "ohh my bouncy ball isnt as bouncy as your ones, how unfair"

so to test it, she wants to piff it against the ground so it hits against the counter and bounces back at her...

BUT INSTEAD, IT BOUNCES OVER THE COUNTER AND STRAIGHT INTO THE OIL COOKING THE CHIPS LMAO AHAHAHAHAH IT WAS LIKE SLOW MOTION

...then it just went "PLOP"

and then i started laughing, and the girl turned around and was all ANGRY!

and i was scared so i said OMG EMILY, YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT!!! and pointed at her so the girl knew it was her.

...then, HOW RUDE... while emily was APOLOGISING,the girl said "YOU FUCKED UP THE OIL" !!!!

omg!!so lisa is like ummm i think we should leave.. and we ran away laughing, while emily is nearly in tears.

and she didnt even give the ball back.

luckily, we had previously gotten an extra one.

too bad emily lost it.

the end.

JUST TO CLARIFY: i lost the new bouncy ball the next morning. i think the boys stole it.

ALSO: unbelievable that she didnt give the ball back.

also also: who sells bouncy balls in a fish and chips shop? CLEARLY her fault.

SORRY!

FINALLY a post,

.. and everything in between

trust

2007-06-18T23:11:00.000-07:00

trust.
it is the most delicate thing in the world to build.
and once broken, it is the hardest thing in the world to repair.
trust seems like such a fleeting thing.
It feels like once i have it with someone, it will be gone the very next minute.
A lot of people have broken my trust.
Its annoying, that because of all this loss of trust, i dont feel the need, or the will to trust again.
i dont think i can sit here and say i honestly trust anyone i am close with, with every fibre of my being.
i have had close friends lie and bitch behind my back. i have had boyfriends cheat on me.. with best friends. I have had so many people in my life leave, whether it be by death, or the simple fact they do not wish to be here. My own sisters left me, and as i sit here reflecting on trust, and everything that comes with it, i honestly can sit here and say.. i dont know trust anymore.
It is such a continuing occurence in my life that anything anyone says to anyone else eventually gets out and spreads. I am no martyr. I cant honestly sit here and say that i have never told something someone told me in confidence, because i have.
i have tried to help people that were hurting themselves by telling people. Not for one minute will i sit here, and say that i have never done any wrong by anyone. because i have, we all have. but just lately it seems like everything that is being told, and broken, is much bigger than i can begin to repair.
i cant hold grudges. i cant sit here and bitch to high heavens, even if i am having a problem with someone or someone has done something ridiculously upsetting or horrible to me. I cannot be mean, and this annoys me. it may seem stupid, but it annoys me that i cant be mean... when i SHOULD be. when i should be angry at people i forgive them anyway because i feel bad. but i cant anymore. im tired of being stomped on. and the fact that i am only 18 and have NO ONE in my life that i can trust whole heartedly, actually, hurts me.
it makes me feel physically sick, and exhausted.
i want to find who i belong with.
i want to find people that LOVE me and wont lie to my face, or lie about me.
im tired. i have been here.
i have gone through this before.
i want to find trust again.
i want to find friendships that are new, and exciting, but im not even sure i can.
im so angry and upset with myself, that i, i dont even..
i dont even know what to do anymore.
xx

perfect.

2007-06-07T05:07:00.000-07:00

Last night, as i was sitting and watching telli.

I looked over at my mum.

She was looking at me

There was this strange expression on her face

half smiling, half dazed.

i asked if she was okay.

she smiled and said she was fine

so i turned my attention back to the telli.

Five minutes later i realised she was still looking at me.

So i stuck out my tongue and laughed

She looked at me in the strangest way and said

"you are so beautiful"

She turned, and continued watching telli.

but the way she said it,

the moment she said it in..

was beautiful.

and perfect.

and i couldnt help but feel special.

moments, memories, smiles,

.. and everything in between

bus rules

2007-05-29T18:02:00.000-07:00

okay, so this post will be all about the eticacy (not the right word? dont care) of riding the bus.
yes. this post is going to be about the bus. if this in somehow offends you because you cant ride a bus, or you had a horrible childhood experience about a bus that has ruined you for life... cease reading. i am warning you. this is all about busses.
Okay, now that all the legal mumbo jumbo is out of the way i would like to explain something i pride myself on doing, and that is the "thank you" to the bus driver everytime i step off. I have said it every single day since i started riding? seems a bit dirty... perhaps.. "using" no, not using.. umm nah ill use "using" public transport and will say it every single day until my heart stops beating, or rather, until i get a car and do not need public transport anymore. it amazes me every single day the amount of people that use this service and are not thankful for it. i do not care if they are in a hurry sometimes i am, but i still stop to smile and say thank you. im sorry, but was no one raised with manners? its like accepting a ride from someone, you say thank you, right? they are doing a service for you, driving you around and some people just hang their heads and step off without even an upward glance. it seems so petty but it annoys me. my mum and dad raised me to say my pleases and thank yous.. to be grateful for what i have and thankful for what i use. also, i do not like young people, that will sit there, on a crowded bus and not give up their seat for an elderly person who is obviously struggling to stand. this happened to me this morning and i was disgusted as a boy of about 17 just sat there and could plainly see that the elderly lady was having trouble but he just kinda turned away. i was nearer to the back of the bus. and when she looked up i kind of motioned to her with my hand if she would like a seat. she was so grateful and wouldnt stop thanking me. mind you, i was about to pass out i was so tired but this still made me feel good to know that i wasnt completely obnoxious and rude.
i do not mind if people do not agree with me on this issue. but this is how i was brought up. this is what i LIKE doing and feel as though is the right thing. it just aggravates me. the lack of polite thank yous more than anything else.
awesome.
hahaha
the bus, manners, the elderly,
..and everything in between
xx

ramble ramble..

2007-05-22T20:44:00.000-07:00

this will be a ramble,
yes, you heard me, a ramble.
i have nothing of substance to write but have begun to feel guilty with the lack of blogging when i said i would do so in my last posts... plus jono abused me.. but not really.. he just said now a lot. So, i may as well tell all my loyal readers.. there being five of you that i am probably failing one of my uni units. im not proud of it, but i just, dont have the motivation to go to this particular subject anymore, and find myself cringing everytime it is mentioned. i nearly cried last week because i didnt want to go to one of the lectures.. and i dont really cry that often.. so WHAT THE DEVIL IS WRONG WITH ECOLOGY AND THE ENVIRONMENT! sigh.. i hate it. but i pretend to like it when someone is like "oh em gee are you LOOOVING YOUR COURSE??? i BET you are!!!" to which i respond "ohhh yes! it is SO much fun! im having the time of my life!". i hate it. i hate uni at the moment and i hate that i hate it. (HA!) lets giggle at all the h's. ANYWHO the point is: im not actually that clever, i mean, i try to be, or at least i pretend to be. im good at pretending. but most of the time i just cant be bothered.
this post is so pointless.
itll probably be one of those things that i post.. and then five seconds later remove it because i realise what i've said.
lacking. of. substance.
.. and everything in between
xx
p.s i would just like to say: (ive already told monash this though) that
a) jono: you will NEVER understand the meaning of plj, OR wear your helmet, neither will you understand why i call monash, monash.
b) i do not like certain people at the moment. okay, no, i rephrase, i am upset at some people at the moment. i mean, generally i am SO easy going and nothing phases me but im tired of people having a few drinks and doing something that makes me angry or upsets me and then claiming "but i am/was drunk! so u know i didnt mean it"... no. i really dont. some people say sober thoughts are drunk actions.
i dont like the fact that people use such a silly excuse as "im drunk".. if you have a problem then discuss it. dont be petty. not that what happened was actually that bad but i have had some WHOPPERS happen to me with that excuse. OVER. IT.
i dont like being angry. this year just happens to be ALL about the angry. :[

GRRRRR

2007-05-13T00:55:00.000-07:00

So it has been about three years/ or maybe just over a week since i've posted my blog. it will include some whinging but i've made the executive decision of adding that to the END of my post.. so that it starts off alright.

i've had an awesome week this week. a HAPPY week, where i barely ever frowned or partook in any behaviour that made me sad. Me and S have realised a few things and i now love him more than ever/ not that i ever ever loved him less.. Uni hasnt been too bad and ive been distracted with everything busy at the moment. I've had a bunch of friends turn 18, with parties and everyone just generally hanging around and talking and having a good time, which i love more than anything in the world. i LOVE that i keep in touch with ALL of my group from year twelve. i love that i have new friends and can go and eat yummy chicken fingers with monash. and now, unfortunately, onto the sad/angry part..

i'm upset about what people turn their back s towards these days. I HATE that violence is now, to many, just seen as being mediocre, and nothing, as it occurs everyday. I hate that we have learnt to accept it as just another part of life. i know we are suppose to "see the beauty in ugly" but its difficult when there is no beauty to see. i try and see good things, i try and pretend one day, something or someone will make a difference and people will realise its not an acceptable behaviour but i cant. The stupid stupid girl that did the stabbing at La Trobe made me SO mad this week. Even Violence with a meaning i hate, but violence for absolutely NO reason at all.. makes me seethe with anger. its STUPID. and POINTLESS. and she deserves the same treatment she gave to that poor girl. END OF RANT.

sigh. APOLOGIES for not posting in over a week everyone.. (everyone consisting of about three people? HA! shout outs to jono em and monash.. i am SO in the ghetto right now).. i will post frequently from now on.

violence, understanding, acceptance

.. and everything in between

pps

ppps

pppps

ppppps

pppppps

ppppppps

pppppppps

ppppppppps... i beat u jono.

sheree

2007-04-25T18:29:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday, was the three year anniversary of when my friend Sheree passed away. Anzac day, my grandpas birthday, and the anniversary of my first experience with death.
Its crazy, i didnt seem to be able to say anything yesterday.
I mean its been three years. She was fifteen and it just seems so weird to me that she would be eighteen now, partying and laughing and doing everything everyone else is.
i miss her everyday. I hate that i had to experience death and loss at such a tender age of fifteen. But yesterday was three years, and sometimes it just plain feels like forever.
there was a quiz on myspace the other day and one of the questions was "if you could bring back someone who died, for an hour, would you do it?"
i struggle with this question. I would want nothing in the world more than to see her again, and to feel her cuddles that were so distinct from everyone elses, and to hear her laugh that was so incredibly infectious, But i know if i saw her for that hour. i would never want to say goodbye again. i dont think i could again. But then again, i would want her to come back for that hour to say all the goodbyes that she never got to. To explain to everyone what exactly happened that night, and why she made such silly decisions.
I love you Sheree.
Rest In Peace.
three years, feels like forever.
ill miss you always, and forever.
endless, timeless, infinity,
.. and everything in between
xx

silly

2007-04-25T05:33:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have one of those days,

where you just feel.. stupid?

you dont do anything inparticular to make yourself feel this way,

but you just feel really unlike yourself?

ive had writers block for a few days now.

no stories, no simple simple poems. nothing.

i feel really unlike myself, and i feel stupid.

some things i say i just sit there for a couple of minutes afterwards thinking "wow. thats really dumb of you"

im not stupid. i know im not, i just feel.. i dont know.

its annoying me though.

because writing is me.

and i cant do it so i have to make do with these silly blog posts.

i wish i had a blog that was so profound, or so inspiring that someone read it and thought "wow. that is amazing"

but unfortunately i just have me complaining and feeling funny all the time.

in all my posts generally it is me complaining or winging when something goes wrong.

it annoys me that i write about sadness and things going wrong more than i write about happy things and things in general that make my life better.

grrrr.

angry. angry. angry.

.. and everything in between

2007-04-19T03:39:00.000-07:00

I was thinking, just today how many new things are in my life this year.

i mean, not the cliche new uni, new workload, new responsibilities.

but i feel like, this year, i have something to hold onto of substance.

i have some awesome, awesome new people in my life that i have taken to quickly.

i've found trust and laughter with and in them quickly, and i am grateful.

fortunately, ive also kept in touch with old friends from high school that i love just as much.

im lucky at the moment.

im no longer sick, i still have disorder/illness but its not affecting my life at the moment too greatly.

i know some days i have bad moments where i feel like everything is going wrong. but im grateful i have more that i smile and laugh and play and generally enjoy my life.

i love that i laugh almost everyday. that i can joke around with the people i love around me and still they are here.

im grateful for a lot this year.

i have grown up immensely, and im actually, for once, proud of myself.

ive had horrible things happen this year, and its only april but still, i am able to smile and see fun and laughter, and i am proud of the way i have handled it all maturely.

im proud of lessons ive learnt, things ive been taught, and just the general way i handle myself.

i like myself more this year.

and i didnt think i would.

i am jolly.

jolly jolly jolly

at the moment.

and i am thankful.

for everything.

diet coke, chicken fingers, free refills,

.. and everything in between

2007-04-16T02:17:00.000-07:00

An example of something that makes me feel sick and should be done, well not at all because EWWWW but probably somewhere where no one can see?
Caught the bus to box hill station.
i was jolly, bus driver was jolly.
jolly jolly jolly. just.. jolly.
THEN!
was waiting at the bus stop for the bus to deakin..
turned around to a man that was sitting on a bench right beside me.
WATCHED horrifyingly (if thats a word) as he put his little finger..
way up to his knuckle.
INTO his snotty nose and started picking.
no, not picking.. digging.
is this too gross for blogs? DONT CARE.
i tried not to watch. i tried to do the polite thing of pretending not to see.
but then, when i saw an old fellow look at him and his mouth fall open..
i could not contain it and burst out laughing.
yes, i got the giggles..
right next to the man that was fiercely trying to capture the "boogy monster"
he then proceeded to wipe it on his pants everytime he made a capture..
i tried to do the whole "hide your giggles by shutting your eyes and biting your lip thing"
but it was too difficult.
LUCKILY my bus came then.
but EW. it was so disgusting.
... i know its good not to care what others think of you.
but when does it cross the line?
boogers. grossness. laughter
..and everything in between
xx
p.s a ps on a blog? yes.
i would just like to tell everyone reading.. which is a total of about 3 people..
that the frill necked lizards in my class today..
were humping each other the entire time through out my assignment.
hump. hump. hump.
funny. funny. funny.

2007-04-10T07:52:00.000-07:00

well. i did NOT steal this idea from digger, jono, OR monash.

so, whatever

at the end,

count what youve done.. or dont, i dont really care..

25 things ive done/have in my life-

1. Got my finger stuck in the hole you drink from on a coke can.. and then cried when i figured out i actually couldnt get it off..

2. Played "beetle borg mettalics" for several hours with my brother in the pool.. with the full slow motion punches and everything whilst singing the theme song..

3. Learnt the lyrics to four new songs id never heard, two hours before my band had a gig.

4. Wore a helmet when i was five for a year.. when i slept, when i went to school.. everything. i was the "coolest thing ever"..

5. Have parents twenty one years apart in age.. with a father who is now 68?

6. Dyed my hair bright red for a dress up party.. i was commited to being wilma.. it was eight washes but it stayed for a year...

7. Sang a tribute when a friend passed away.. to my entire year 9 year level at an assembly

8. Have an "elves" ear that doctors told my parents would correct myself once i turned 3.. which didnt. also, chicken pox scars on the back of my neck that look like vampire bites..

9. Ate pasta.. for four days in a row for EVERY single meal.. breakfast lunch AND dinner.

10. Spun around in circles in the middle of a playground for ten minutes straight.. only stopping to vomit.. and fall over..

11. Didnt leave victoria until age 17.. where i went on a camp to central australia.. therefor, never been overseas..

12. Read a book every single day for six months.. and wrote a "book review" on all of them.. just.. because.. i.. could..

13. Proposed to a member of the same sex with a starbust jelly ring..

14. Tried to recreate "a night at the roxbury" dance moves sitting in a car.. listening to "what is love" and holding a video camera..

15. Performed a dance with four other people to a spice girls song in grade six to the entire school at assembly.. including raunchy dance moves..naturally, i was baby spice..

16. Was convinced there was a man under my bed for at LEAST three years.. and would jump from my bedroom door to my bed and hide under my covers for five minutes until it was safe. for those four years, i barely set foot on my carpet/floor.

17. Won a public speaking competition over fifteen other people including a real big "smartie".. was proud of myself for days..

18. fell head over heels in love with hugh laurie from house. announced to my mother and father that one day "i would have his babies".. then, saw him in stuart little, needless to say, love was lost..

19. Have gone swimming/been thrown in the pool/sea whilst still fully dressed, over ten times

20. Was in love with a boy from the first day of kinder, until the end of grade three. thats a pretty long love affair for a four year old

21. never drink iced water. cant stand it. only tap water.

22. in my first season of basketball i won MVP on court. hooray for me.

23. Have always wanted to stand in the middle of an empty field with no one around and scream "CAN YOU HEAR ME"

24. swam in a pool of jelly... backwards.

25. taken more than one week on a particular blog entry..

finally.
this took forever.
and theyre not even good.
oh well.
add up.
good. great. fantastic!
.. and everything in between
xx

2007-04-07T07:50:00.001-07:00

ONE of my dumbest moments-

emily- carrying a piece of banana cake, a friends birthday card, and a wallet down some stairs at beccas house. trip, fall, roll half way, pause for a milli second and bobsled on my legs the rest of the way down the stairs.

becca- OH MY GOD EM ARE YOU OKAY?
Em- (in a crouching position down the bottom of the stairs and in shock) oh my god.. i dropped my banana cake!

Becca (freaking out)- Seriously em, are you alright?

Em- (starting to tear up) OH MY GOD! i ripped the birthday card!.... pause for thirty seconds.. AND I SCRATCHED MY GLASSES!!!

Becca- EM! ANSWER ME! ARE YOU OKAY! .... EM YOUR BLEEDING!
Em- WHAT WHERE! oh.. there... (emily looks down and sees that half the skin from both of her legs is missing.. and whats left is red raw bloody and swollen. she also sees where the blood is coming from- a gaping wound in her hand)
EVERYONE PAUSES...

Em- .. wow. its REALLY painful

Beccas mum runs in.. - OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED COME WITH ME! I HAVE SOME CREAM! AND WE'LL WASH IT.. OH MY GOD! ARE YOU OKAY?

Beccas grandma- you know... i know it seems a lot faster to fall down.. but maybe next time u could try walking?

... thank you.

it was actually a fairly decent stack.

painful. but i laughed afterwards.

it was really funny,

but not really that funny now.

cos it actually hurts.

cuts. bruises. grazes

.. and everything in between

2007-04-04T01:07:00.000-07:00

i have really weird and vivid dreams lately.

i wake up and they seem so real.

with these dreams, i can remember every detail..

i can remember what everyone wears,

what they say,

what they do,

theyre facial expressions..

which is different to normal dreams

cos most of the time i remember bits and pieces

and only the gist of what happens.

i had to call someone and ask them if it really happened the other day

thats how real they are.

strange..

mashed potatoes. pie. ice cream

.. and everything in between

2007-04-03T07:12:00.000-07:00

its been a while since my last post.

ive had so much time to think lately.

my smile has been a little non existent lately.

for unexplained reasons.

im sure it will come back soon

when i least expect it

and i will grin from ear to ear until it hurts my head..

but until then i have some burning questions.

IS there a heaven and a hell? there are so many conflicting suggestions..

if so, what does it entail?

do people such as suicide bombers whom claim to be the "hand of god".. are they accepted into heaven?

.. if your paralyzed or sad down here, does this mean it will all be resolved in heaven? you could walk, smile be happy, laugh play.. be FREE..

would people who commited suicide be sent to hell?

there must be a fine line between heaven and hell...

i wonder what it is?

.. is there a secret set of rules, that you must pass to be accepted?

heaven is like an elite club.

if you dont have the goods.

you cant get a club card.

best.

metaphor.

ever.

lily. frog. codswallop.

..and everything in between

bedouin song..

2007-03-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

Leaving the western shadows

Naked in the face of tomorrow

Ooh, and the madness of black desert rain

That lets you rise up and flourish once again

Heading east

Bursting into calm sea

like a river released

And the cool night will flow into the heat of the day

I will lose this shadow

I will find my way

Oh, Bedouin song

Is all i really own

Ooh, how strong the temptation to fall

While black desert rain

Runs through my veins

Opening windows of shame

Wild moon above

Go on tell me there is love

I will lose this shadow

I will find my way

Wild moon above

Go on tell me there is love

I will find my inspiration

I will find my way.....

- lior.

lies.. fake..

2007-03-24T21:17:00.000-07:00

everyone lies right?
whether they be tiny white lies.. or blatant "say something and do another" lies.
i dont think ive ever met anyone in my entire life that can look me in the eyes and honestly say they have never lied in their lives.
i think if we didn't lie, than we wouldnt be human.
but i think big lies.. arent necessary..
i think lies that hurt, arent necessary.
im not a big liar. i hate liars. i hate people that feel the need to lie almost everyday.
i dont lie often. and when i do its generally "are you okay" .. "yes, of course".. when im really not.

i dont want to burden people. and i am fully aware some people feel the same way.
a lot of people dont share their burdens with people because they feel as though it will bring them down also.
it may just do that, but it may also help you cope with it.
lean on me.
tell me what your feeling.
tell me how your coping.
tell me you need help.
i am here you know.
im always here.
i dont want your little lies
i dont want your fake smile.

.. i want your HONESTY.
because thats all i ever want.

love, lust, and lies.
.. and everything in between
xx

inward battle.

2007-03-21T06:05:00.000-07:00

so, to most, smiles arent rare.

i mean, generally its not a big thing to see someone close to you smiling.

you nod and think to yourself "yes, shes happy"... "or yes, everything is okay with him".

smiles are rare for me these days. im not emo. im not sure im even sad.

im just fed up.

cant completely describe the difference between these things. perhaps describing it as "im tired" will explain.

im tired of smiling when simple tasks of eating, drinking and breathing are difficult.

im tired of pretending im one hundred percent calm. when really i am having an inward battle with myself on how to help someone ELSE overcome one of their problems.

im tired of being so helpless, to everything.. everyONE and not being able to do anything no matter how hard i try.

im tired of words not being enough to help, solve, fix, soothe.

im tired of being so angry at myself for everything over the past week.

i hate that i cant help anyone. even myself. i hate that even though i know this already, i still try my hardest to do so, and again, fail miserably. im aware im not a martyr.. im also aware i cant spell the word.. but more than words could ever explain i want to see everyone around me happy. even if i cant be at the moment.. no fake smiles. no polite smiles. genuine "im giddy with delight" smiles.

....i HATE that i HATE everything at the moment.

i am a bitter twisted individual with nothing better to do than complain.

and im not like that.

and i hate that i am at the moment.

roar. grown. growl

.. and everything in between

2007-03-20T02:56:00.000-07:00

silently say goodbye to walls and barricades,

as your fear of failure.. slowly fades,

a glimpse at the past, swim out of the depths,

the weights now lifted, so take your first breath,

some mistakes will be made, but will be overcome,

you'll forgive and forget when all this is done..

learn not to bottle, learn to be bold,
learn to give freely, secrets can be told.

learn who to trust, theres some, but a few,

learn to be open, release a new you.

exhausted. angry. tired

.. and everything in between

2007-03-19T04:11:00.000-07:00

so anyway. name of a "condition" has been diagnosed. and tonight, completely randomly, when mother was talking to my boyfriend about what it was i completely let loose and started yelling. and my realisation was this- i was completely and utterly scared. not of the fact that something had actually been pinpointed and 100% confirmed.. i wasnt scared of the diagnosis i was scared of some reaction. i hate the thought of feeling helpless. i hate the thought of telling people when im sick what it is because i am completely and utterly scared of how they will look at me. that im weak. or different. or just.. i dont want pity.i really dont. not that any of my friends would do that.. that just seems to be my immediate reaction. i dont know.. perhaps im weird.

plus, i think too much. its what i do. its not a hobby. its my job and no matter how hard i try i cant seem to get out of that cycle.

maybe i just pity myself and wonder why everything bad happens to me. but then i think im not homeless. i have a family. i have food. i have clean water im not that worse off so then i feel selfish.

and its just a vicious vicious circle of feeling sorry for myself. sometimes, it just gets tiring being optimistic. and im so very tired.

purple monkey dishwasher

and everything in between...

the original.. and the best..

2007-03-15T05:18:00.000-07:00

okay. so here i begin my first blog, that is clearly going to be the most awkward and pointless thing of all.

i am fully aware of the fact that my blogs layout is GREEN. i like green. its the colour of baby poo and martians and although a certain insignificant someone is harping on me to change it, i will not, as i do not abandon my friends, and yes. my green layout is my friend.

so are many other people. but lets not get into how awesome i am.

i feel i need no introductions. not because im special. mainly because i dont feel there is anything remotely interesting about me. i talk too much, i can never laugh or smile enough, and DISLIKE cliches. i dont get bored easy, i dont believe in awkward silences and i dislike a LOT of foods and everyone thinks im fussy in that department. i get emotional easily but bottle it, know thats a horrible thing to do, but do it anyway. i dance in the middle of streets to no music, i sing everywhere i go, i probably talk too much.. and i'm fine with all of that.. NO person is beneath me, and i will be nice to you even if your horrible to me. i dont hate, but i can dislike, and if you see me smiling and im by myself im probably remembering a joke i was told last week and finally getting it. im not stupid but im not overly intelligent and everyday wish i was doing something better with my life.

i admire many people, most dont know about it when they should. i have had many so called "life lessons" and know never to take anyone for granted. i have so many pet hates its ridiculous even beginning to mention them.

worst introduction ever? perhaps.

took me a while? probably.

conquered my fear of first blogs? yes. yes it did.

that is all. cookie. flower. penguin.

... and everything in between